I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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