Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
