Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize