I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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