Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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