Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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