I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
