i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
