I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
