I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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