i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
