i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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