I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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