Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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