hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
