Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
