No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
