He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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