In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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