If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
