The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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