if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
