You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
