Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
