okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
