all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
