I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
