Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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