Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
