im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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