the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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