Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
