Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
