You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize