I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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