I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
