i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
