Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
