i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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