ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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