It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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