I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
