The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
