I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
