His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just gargled with NyQuil
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
