He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
