mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i dont even know how to be here
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
