i permit you to call me
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
