??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
