I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
