She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
