Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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