I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
