guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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