I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
