her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
