i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
