You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
