The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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