peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
