what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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