I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
