i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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